Relative Expressions

“One of our favorite activities included running back and forth between the living room and the bathroom where we stood outside the door and listened to the commode flush.  It made a shrill, hollow noise that sounded like a siren and provided endless hours of entertainment for everyone under the age of ten. “

“After a few moments with Great-grandpa Joe, we would rejoin the rest of our siblings and cousins who were taking turns spinning in the brown swivel chair. Entertaining not only ourselves, but also the man who courageously opened the doors of opportunity for generations of our family, we carelessly spun until we were ready to vomit, which usually indicated it was someone else’s turn.”

“I bet you do exactly the same thing.  You are at home trying to help your child with a research project using your state-of-the-art technology.  You spent lots of money on a total home computer system so your child could have the world at his fingertips.  Finally, this research project gives you the chance to prove you got your money’s worth.

After two hours of searching without a shred of success, you realize that the world, which is at your fingertips, is HUGE and you end up saying things your child learned on the school bus in the third grade. You then send him to the local library to find the ?#!!%@?! information in the World Book Encyclopedia, which you did not buy because you spent all that money on your state-of-the-art, total-home %#?!&# computer system! “

You see, after a particularly harrowing experience in the super market, I promised myself that I would absolutely, positively never in a million years EVER go shopping with all three of my wonderful children EVER again.  Not a problem, until I ran out of food and had no time to run to the grocery store on my lunch hour…

It was easy at first.  I browsed through the food categories, and then clicked on the shopping cart icon next to the product. The item was instantaneously added to my virtual shopping cart. Wow, it was easy AND fun.  That is, until I couldn’t find something.  First, ten minutes searching for my children’s favorite pre-packaged lunches then another twenty on the soup page locating low-sodium vegetable beef, and having to give up on breakfast bars all together made me realize shopping is tedious whatever the venue.  All that browsing also left me wishing I was online shopping from home so that I could run screaming into the kitchen for a soothing glass of Chianti.

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    “I was not thrilled with the two sided clippings {Mom sent me} because they often presented contradictory or incongruent information, with no indicator as to which side was pertinent to my life.  Like the time she sent the article about “The Negative Effects of Sugar on the Libido.”  But when I flipped it over, I was face to face with “Ten Desserts Guaranteed to Put Romance Back in Your Marriage.” If you would like your book signed by the author, send us an email referencing your order number with instructions to [email protected]

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